Archive for the 'Humor' Category

25
Mar
08

Couple broke into church for sex

Some excerpts from NTDWA:

Police in Florida investigating a report of a suspicious person at North Prong Cemetery Church found a woman inside and a man hiding under the church. They told investigators they broke in so they could have sex on the altar.

Pearce told deputies that he had Rowland were drinking when she told him she wanted a “spiritual and sexual experience.” Deputies said Rowland broke into the little-used church located next to the North Prong Cemetery near Sanderson.

04
Feb
08

Man meets wife in brothel

Ummmm … if you look up “awkward” in a dictionary, this should be listed:

A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment’s employees. Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.

“I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming,” the husband told the newspaper Wednesday.

Needless to say, the couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing.

From Neatorama.

13
Nov
07

School stripper shocks birthday boy

A schoolboy was given an unexpected surprise for his 16th birthday when a stripper turned up in his drama class.

The stripper – dressed as a policewoman – had been booked by the boy’s mother, who had apparently asked for a “gorilla” to mark her son’s big day.

On arriving halfway through the lesson, the stripper walked the unnamed boy around the class on all fours like a dog.

To the soundtrack of Britney Spears, she then spanked him 16 times – once for each year – before stripping down to her bra and knickers.

It was only when she asked the schoolboy to rub cream on her that the shocked teacher called a halt to the show. The boy’s mother reportedly told the school the incident was the result of a booking error.

Through Nothing to do with Arbroath.

12
Nov
07

Women in Nepal Mail Condoms to Husbands

Women in a Nepal mountain village have been mailing condoms to their husbands working overseas to protect them from sexually transmitted diseases, a news report said Tuesday.

The women of Pang village have been writing their husbands letters urging them not to have sex with others — but they have been enclosing condoms just in case, the Kantipur newspaper reported.

Social workers have been counseling the women about sexually transmitted diseases.

“As I learned that unsafe relations make a person vulnerable to HIV, I sent a condom along with the letters to my husband,” one of the village wives, Laxmi Sunar, told the newspaper.

An estimated 3 million people from impoverished Nepal work overseas, most as manual laborers, and send money home to support their families.

LINK

26
Oct
07

Mugabe launches Robert Mugabe intelligence academy

HARARE (Reuters) – Zimbabwe’s President Robert Mugabe has launched an intelligence academy named after him, saying it would produce officers able to counter growing threats from Western powers, state media reported on Friday.

Mugabe, who has ruled Zimbabwe since independence from Britain in 1980, is fighting isolation from the West, which accuses him of human rights abuses and rigging elections and economic mismanagement.

The combative 83-year-old veteran leader says he is being punished for seizing white-owned farms for landless blacks to redress colonial imbalances, a programme critics say has plunged the economy into crisis.

“With the current unjustified demonisation of Zimbabwe by Western powers, the role of intelligence in shaping foreign, security and economic policies become even more critical,” the Herald newspaper quoted the president as saying at the launch of the Robert Mugabe National School of Intelligence near Harare.

Critics say Mugabe has increasingly relied on security forces to keep opponents in check in the face of growing anger over the unravelling economy, but he denies the charge.

The intelligence academy is also expected to train members of the army, police and operatives from other southern African countries.

Mugabe said Britain and the United States continued to try to destabilise Zimbabwe by working with “non-state actors” aimed at unseating his government.

“The important role of defending our country cannot be left to mediocre officers incapable of comprehending and analytically evaluating the operational environment to ensure that the sovereignty of our state is not only preserved, but enhanced,” Mugabe said.

I am sure he started this academy in good faith, he just wants part with some of his intelligence.

Any one wants to join Robert Mugabe INTELLIGENCE academy.

22
Oct
07

Actual Letter From Pennsylvania Dept of Environmental Quality and the Dam Beavers

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries regarding a pond on his property. It was sent by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania . This guy’s response is hilarious, but read the State’s letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department’s files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006< /st1:date>. !

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action..

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price

District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane , Trout Run, Pennsylvania .

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood ‘debris’ dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials ‘debris.’

I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

These are the beavers/contractors you are seeking. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued.

(Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.)

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren’t the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation — so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department’s dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling them dam names.

If you want the stream ‘restored’ to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers — but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers’ Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU,

RYAN DEVRIES

Submitted by Gary S.

More Here

05
Oct
07

Teacher arrested for public intoxication

A first-grade teacher from Valparaiso is free on bond after she was arrested at school for public intoxication. Police say 49-year-old Sharon Duerring had two cans of beer in her purse at the time of her arrest.

Officials at Cooks Corners Elementary School removed Duerring from the classroom and called police when they suspected she was drunk. A portable breath test showed her blood alcohol concentration to be 0.20 percent, more than twice the legal limit of 0.08 percent.

Police say she was given a trespass warning not to return to the school.

A Porter County Jail officer says Duerring was released on bond. The Associated Press couldn’t reach her for comment because there was no phone number listed under her name.

LINK